Took the afternoon off to handle annual eye exams for Iago, Igor, and myself. Pleased to find that neither Iago nor I have changed prescriptions. Igor's exam showed that he is slightly near-sighted, but not enough to need glasses yet but he might by next year.
At home, the boys wanted to play on the Wii, so we went up to the bonus room. When we went into the closet to find the wheel, we find the entire closet has been rearranged. We can't find the Wii accessories. I did find Iago's mini-fridge on one side of the double closet. The other side had been emptied and all of our stuff moved to the shelf up high where I can barely reach.
When I ask Iago what he is doing with the closet and why he moved all mine and the kids' stuff around, he responds, "I asked [Husband] and he said it was ok. I'm putting my fridge and office chair in there." I respond that since most of the items in there were mine or the kids, it would have been nice if he would have asked me. "[Husband] said it was ok." So, fine, I told him, I would be mad at Husband and talk to him.
I was angry. This is the closet I store the toys the kids can't use without permission, Wii accessories, my workout stuff, and our spare, only used for guests linens. And they were all put up high on a shelf where I can't get to them. He had cleared the entire bottom portion of the closet to use.
Later, when I asked Husband, he responded to my initial attempt, the response was, "I didn't think it would be an issue." Of course he didn't. . . he never uses that closet and has no idea what I keep in it. If he had asked, I would have probably given a portion of the closet. But he never asked, dismissed the question, and went back to playing on his stupid work iPad. I was mad. Really mad.
And here is where my thought process went: I feel as if I have no say in this house. When Iago wants something, he goes to Husband and Husband makes a decision on his own and tells me about it later. I feel left out of any decision making that impacts me and my house. I felt dismissed and belittled for even bringing it up. I felt impotent and, as the title implies, disenfranchised.
Then I began to think of other places where Iago is encroaching on my space and was given permission by Husband without asking me. The kitchen. . . I offered to give him one side of one cabinet. He now has both sides of the cabinet. I didn't fight that much because I didn't need the cabinet space there. However, when he lost his thumb drive that he keeps in the kitchen cabinet (really? well, I shouldn't be surprised, he has a toothbrush and toothpaste and other stuff in there, too), I came home to the kids going through my "mail center" beneath his cabinet, moving all my sorted piles around looking for the thumb drive he lost.
I also have a cabinet in the kitchen where I keep my stuff. Just my stuff. You know, the baking pans I don't want them to use because they won't clean them properly, my icing stand, my crock pot and mini crock pot, my hand blender, my pie plates, and the nice platters we use for hosted dinners like Thanksgiving. I open it one day and find a sack of potatoes on top of my nice platters. Husband told him it was ok since he needed space for the potatoes. WE HAVE A POTATO BIN!!! But, of course, Iago won't use it because one time Husband let some food go bad in the potato bin. So now he puts his nice, dirty potato bag on top of my platters. I won't mention how some of them have gone bad. . .
In the hall closet, he has taken over 2 shelves of our linen closet, leaving us 2 shelves for the remaining 4 people in the house. So this is my thought process while I'm stewing downstairs waiting for Husband to be ready to go out to dinner.
He comes down says, "I was in the middle of something when you asked me. [Iago] asked me a couple days ago, I didn't think it would be an issue, and I told him I'd talk to you. I forgot. If you're mad, be mad at me."
I told him I was mad at him. Then I explained what the closet is used for, the fact that we'd talked about converting it into a second floor laundry room. He waved that all off and said the laundry room was many years off and we'd deal with it then. I told him I had no space on the floor of the closet. He told me he thought Iago only needed half of the closet. I explained that Iago took the whole closet except for the top shelf. That wasn't his understanding and he hadn't told Iago he could have it yet, just that he would check with me. The discussion ended and we went to dinner.
Then before bed, we argued again. Yes, I started it. But I didn't think this was closed. I don't want to give him my closet. I already let him live here. I let his weird requirements impact my (and my kids') daily living, I am not giving him more of my space. If he had asked me, I would have given him half the closet. But now. . . when he can't even ask me himself? No. I am tired of being left out. He can ask me.
I made the statement that Iago could have asked me. Husband said, "He is afraid to ask you for things." I probably completely pissed off my Husband when I said, "No, he is afraid to ask me for things when he knows I'll say no so he goes to you instead. He has no trouble asking me for other things." As I think about it, it's probably not true. But I am tired of having him treat me, in front of my kids, as if I don't exist or have any power in this house. I don't like feeling impotent and powerless. I don't like feeling dismissed. I don't like feeling as if my feelings don't matter.
The other part to remember is that Husband said, "I didn't tell him it was ok, I told him I'd talk to you. Then I forgot. It was only 2 days ago." Well, Iago has taken that as permission. Me to Husband, "He told me you said it was ok. It's like what our kids will do when they're teenagers, going to one of us and then telling the other one that the first said it was ok when there wasn't really a decision."
I'm so mad still. And depressed. And, oh, wait, Husband is angry too and taking it out on me. Which doesn't feel good either.
